How to let go...

This is a post I wrote, but did not publish back in January.  Aside from the update on Emma, since she is now 6 months older, the rest still holds true....


This past month has been quite a roller coaster of emotions for me.  December 23 was my last day working at Johnson & Johnson due to a layoff.  Being unemployed and knowing that your salary is what keeps you living where you do is a very scary thing for me, especially being the mother of an amazing 14 month old (I'll update on her later).  The fact that I have been trying to find a new job for over 12 weeks now and have not had a single interview is making things very discouraging.  That coupled with the financial mess I am going to be in when my severance runs out has put me in a bit of a funk.  I don't want to say I am depressed because I don't think I am, but my family may think otherwise. 

Because of everything, I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I need my family and friends at this point in my life, which brings me to my title for today of "How to let go...".  Over the last year my life has been up and down with a lot of things going on, in addition to being laid off and having a baby, and my family has been amazingly supportive and helps me in any way they can.  I have the select few friends who are there if I need to vent or cry or whatever, and my Babyfit friends have been amazingly supportive, but a few of the most important people in my life have been non-existent over the last year.  I have tried to mend the relationships and figure out what exactly went wrong and where, but I have been unsuccessful with every attempt I have made.  It's sad to know that some family and friends can just up and walk away like you were never an important person in their lives.  I keep telling myself that it is not worth the pain it causes me and the time I put into it, and I understand that in my head.  If these individuals wanted to be a part of my life and my daughters life, they would reciprocate my attempts at repairing relationships.  Unfortunately, my heart won't let me give up on them and the relationships I have with them, so, I am in this terrible vicious cycle where I keep trying and reaching out, knowing full well it is going to get me hurt, but expecting a positive outcome each and every time.  Isn't that Einstein's definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome that what you are getting?  Maybe I am going insane.

How do you let go of family (including friends that you consider family) when you so badly want and need them in your life?  I know people and relationships change, but when do you accept that the relationship is irrevocably broken and just let it go?  "Friends come and go but family is forever" isn't always necessarily true, at least not in my case.  What hurts the most is these individuals are missing out on an amazing little girls life, and she is missing out because she doesn't know who they are and how great they truly are.

Speaking of that amazing little girl (and leaving my situation behind for a bit) Emma is turning into such a little person.  Each and every day is something new, and it amazes me every time.  She has learned what a pig, sheep, and dog say, where her nose and belly are, and is now a dancing machine just in a matter of a few short weeks.  My love for her (and her amazing father) grows each and every day.  I am so lucky to have Emma and Cori in my life.  They make my days brighter and everything better.

Pumpkin Picking

So, we went pumpkin picking this past weekend with the in-laws, including my brother-in-law, sister-in law, her husband, and our niece Hannah.  We had a great time and Emma really seemed to enjoy it.  Here are some of the best pictures!


This was Emma's hooray for pumpkins face! She didn't really know what to think of the hayride out to the pumpkin patch.  When we first got on, she actually started crying.  Once it got moving, though, she was laughing, and looking all around at the fields we were going through and all the decorations they had up.  It was so exciting to see her react to everything.

Our family shot at the pumpking patch.  We walked to the far corners of the patch to find the perfect pumpkins for Emma's first Haloween!  She was loving looking at everything.

After pumpkin picking, we ventured over to this big field with a petting zoo, horse rides for the kids, a kiddie train, and food.  They had all sorts of witch, mummy, and pumpkin wood cutouts to put your head in for a picture.  This was by far the cutest picture taken that day.  Emma's smile is just so adorable, and who couldn't love a picture like this...my two favorite people in the world.

When we were done at the farm, we all headed back to my in-laws house, where everyone carved their own pumpkin (minus the babies of course).  I carved a cute cat on our pumpkin.  When we got home, I put it outside with a candle in it.  Emma seemed to think it was the most amazing thing!

It was so great getting together with family to do something fun.  We will have to make it an annual tradition.  This weekend Emma and I will be heading down the shore to my mom's house where the three of us will take in the Chatsworth Cranberry Festival.  We started going last year, when Emma was still in my belly and have decided to make it a girls tradition!  Pictures to follow.